An Afghan naan in the soup

ha ha! laugh laugh! all those of you who were having desire to be reading what dilli to pagal hain has in store for you are in for a large surprise. because this week it is none other than me omar bin laidin (third cousin of fourth in-law of second wife of second nephew of osama bin laden), who has hijacked this column. but don't worry i will not be forcing this column to fly into a building, instead i want to be telling you about a great new restaurant i am cooking up in your city. yes, i who fled afghanistan via russia-arctic-australia-srilanka-mumbai-delhi route (how could i help it, it was a special aeroflot around the world ticket), brought with me hundreds of secret recipes to tickle your tasty buds. and i am using these recipes to launch a restaurant called afghan khazana at 47 tandoori road (short name of this restaurant will thus be ak47). first of all the decor of the place — you will be very appointed (ie opposite of disappointed). it will be very genuine afghanistan type. the front fackade will be like a bomb shelter. inside it will be lots of sand on the floor, with camel dung in the loo, broken tables, waitresses with burkhas — all the things that make up my charming country today. there will entertainment every evening — a belly dancing female goat. and whenever things get a little boring we'll throw in a grenade. any guests that get a finger or a toe blown off, their meal will be absolutely free. hokay hokay! let's get down to serious business now. food. what mouthwatering magic can you expect at ak47? may i suggest that you begin with bush soup — an arrogantly spiced concoction, that is typically served lukewarm. this soup is normally accompanied by dubya bread which is dropped from above in food packets. another great starter is the kandahaar kebab, a layered dish which is quite difficult to finish off. however, please do not eat this soup and kebab together, they just don't mix. next you could try missile masala, authentic metal fragments cooked in a gunpowder spice. it's tough on the teeth but guaranteed to give you an iron stomach. when you come to the main course you just have to try chicken al musharraf, a dangerously unstable dish cooked for hours in its own juices. for vegetarians there is jaswant jeera aaaloo, reasonably bland, but a safe choice. alternatively you could try and balance your meal with powell pullao, dark and slightly sweet. if you are not the rice kind you could order the new kabuli naan, first baked till it rises then flattened to a lumpy pulp. for those in an adventurous mood there is anthrax acahaar, served in personalised envelopes. these dishes can be accompanied by scud potato spuds, or tomahawk tarka dal. in sweetdish we have three fantastic offerings. there is cnn pie, a lopsided preparation of fruits, best had with al jazeera sauce. alternatively there is talibanana, the fruit you can keep peeling and peeling but never quite reach the core. finally there is the blair eclair, an english toffee preparation that curiously reminds you of the bush soup you began with. l as an option to this entire menu there is osama khana. this is a special cuisine. to eat this you have to go into hiding under the dining table. it is served in empty mortar shells and after eating this it is mandatory to deny that you had anything to do with it. quite a blast! that's it then. i look forward to having you and your family at ak47. we are open all 24 hours and accept visa, mastercard, amex as well as hostages for payment. bon appetite! (kullar@indiatimes.com)