Confessions of a woman who was in an open relationship and how it changed her life

The concept of an ‘open relationship’ always fascinated me. I wondered how such ‘agreements’ give you the comfort of a causal relationship and do not take away the freedom of being single. And one day, out of sheer curiosity, I decided to give it a try…

I met a man on a dating app and we shared great chemistry from our very first conversation. He was well-educated, modern, professionally successful and had an irresistible charm. After talking with him for a few weeks and meeting him a couple of times, we decided to have an open relationship.

We agreed upon a few ground rules to stay on the same page. We both were partners but we were free to have sexual experiences with others as well. I had no right to complain about him hanging out with other girls but he would always give me priority over them, at least for the next three months. The same applied to him as well. We would talk with each other all day but there would be no commitment involved. Sounds pretty convenient, right?

The relationship started on a pretty romantic yet sexual note. We used to go on romantic dates, night outs and our sex life was steamy. Our compatibility was amazing and I was glad to have found a fun-loving man who understood me well.

Even before I could realise, I started getting emotionally attached to him. I used to start my day by sending him a good morning message and I could only sleep after biding him good night. Slowly insecurities of losing him started creeping in. I used to panic when he used to be on another call and avoided replying back to my texts. Whenever he went for a night out with someone else, I used to have sleepless nights thinking about him and wondering what he must be doing. But wait, should not I have been okay with this?

Unfortunately, I fell in love with him and realised that the rules of this open relationship were working against me. I wanted to be his love interest, like the way he had turned mine. I wanted to be his priority, and secretly wished he was all mine. In fact, I had started dreaming of marrying him one day.

After dating him for six months, I decided to confess my feelings. We met and I poured my heart out. He was taken aback when I confessed my feelings for him and told him that I wanted to be in a serious relationship. This was the last thing he expected from me or this relationship. He wasn’t ready for any commitments, nor was he in love. On seeing me getting emotional, he suggested we call off this open relationship and stop all communication. I agreed.

The next six months were no less than a torture for me. I missed him every day and wanted to meet him again. But I had realised we were not on the same page emotionally and it would only complicate the matter. I came to a conclusion that this relationship was a mistake. What seemed easy and fun initially has turned out to be emotionally draining after some point of time.

Everything has a silver lining, so did this relationship. I got to understand myself better after the break up. I realised I could only be happy in a ‘meaningful’ relationship and a casual fling was not my cup of tea. I had learnt my lesson the hard way. I am still in the process of moving on from him but I have not given up on the idea of love. Now, I am clear about what I seek from my partner and a relationship. I am certain that life is only bound to get better from here, and brooding about the past won’t offer anything fruitful. (Representational images)