3 things to never say to your teens

Parenting teenagers can feel like walking a tightrope where one wrong word and you are met with an eye roll, a slammed door, or worse - silence. Adolescence is a time of emotional volatility and deep identity formation and while words may seem fleeting, they can shape how teens see themselves and their parents. A teenager’s brain is still developing emotional regulation and self-esteem meaning language from parents has a far greater impact than most realise. Here are three phrases every parent should avoid and the positive alternatives that build trust instead of tension.

It is a classic and a guaranteed way to shut down communication. When parents rely on authority without explanation, it signals to teens that their opinions or reasoning don’t matter. According to a 2019 study published in the Journal of Youth and Adolescence, adolescents who experience authoritarian communication (strict rules without dialogue) report higher levels of defiance, secrecy, and anxiety. It hurts because teens crave autonomy. They are developing their critical thinking skills and want to understand the why behind the rules. When parents shut down discussion, it undermines this developmental need for independence. Instead, you can say, “I understand you don’t agree, but here’s why this matters to me…” or “Let’s talk about your point of view before we decide.” A 2020 study in Developmental Psychology found that when parents use autonomy-supportive communication, teens are more likely to comply with rules because they feel respected, not controlled.

To a teen, emotions are real and intense hence, dismissing them can feel invalidating. A 2021 research paper in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry established that when parents minimise emotional distress, adolescents experience higher levels of emotional suppression and are more prone to depression and social withdrawal. It hurts because teens are navigating hormonal shifts and brain changes that amplify their emotions. When parents say “you’re overreacting,” it sends the message that their feelings are wrong, even when they are just learning to process them. Instead, you can say, “I can see this really matters to you. Tell me what’s making it feel so big right now” or “Your feelings are valid. Let’s figure out what we can do about it together.” Emotionally validating responses, according to a 2018 Emotion journal study, strengthen parent-teen trust and reduce the intensity of emotional meltdowns over time.

Comparisons may seem motivating but to teens, they cut deep. A 2022 study in the Journal of Adolescence revealed that parental comparison is one of the strongest predictors of low self-esteem and strained family relationships during adolescence. It hurts because teens are in the middle of shaping their identity and comparisons tell them they’re not enough. Over time, this can create resentment, performance anxiety, or emotional distance. Instead, you can say, “I know you are capable of amazing things, let’s focus on what you want to improve” or “Everyone’s path looks different, and I’m proud of the effort you’re putting in.” Positive reinforcement, as per a 2020 Frontiers in Psychology study, builds intrinsic motivation and long-term resilience far more effectively than comparison or criticism.

The right words can bridge emotional gaps and turn power struggles into opportunities for connection. Every time a parent chooses empathy over authority or validation over comparison, they help their teen feel seen, heard and safe, which is the foundation of every strong relationship. As clinical psychologist Dr. Lisa Damour says in Untangled (2016), “Teenagers don’t need us to fix their feelings. They need us to honour them” because sometimes, the way we speak to our teens becomes the voice they will carry into adulthood.