Are you sick and tired of people rubbing their foreign holidays into your face? Through Facebook, e-mail, BB messenger, Twitter and at parties - they just go on and on. “Oooh we had just a nice trip to the Adriatic Sea!” or “Wow the tulips in Holland looked unreal, wish you had been there!” Bloody cheek! Why didn’t you take me then? When the furthest I’ve been in the past year has been Greater Noida, how dare you hop around the Amazonian Rain Forest. Anyway never fear help is at hand. For less than 5000 bucks you can fake your own foreign holiday. Welcome to the 5P’s of a phoney phoren trip. The first P. Pack your bags and leave your home at some weird hour in the morning, because that’s when all the international flights go. Call a cab and make lots of noise hauling suitcases around so all your neighbours hear you. Of course, you’re just going to hide out in some shady resort near Meerut for 10 days, but who’s to know better! The second P. Photoshopping - that’s the name of the computer programme that will give you your phoren photos. So stand in the studio, get a shot taken and then the technician will put the Eiffel tower behind you. Wait, maybe he can put the Great Wall of China too. You can be the only traveller who was in China and Paris at the same time! The third P. Plan some stories. Don’t worry all foreign trips boil down to the same four stories. 1. The way Indians were behaving on the plane made me feel so embarrassed. 2. The cab driver in Brussels was a Pakistani and he told us some interesting stories. 3. We found this lovely Indian restaurant called Tandoori Tabla and had a great time, and 4. The Japanese toilets play music and blow warm perfumed air on your bum. The fourth P. Purchase some colognes and perfumes from Gaffar market on your way back so you can give out some gifts - the moment I smelt this cologne in a shop near the Champs Elysees I knew I had to get it for you. The final P. Practice your yawns. For three weeks after you are back keep yawning here and there complaining, “Oh this damn jet lag, does anyone know the time, my watch is on Chicago time!” Or of course, you can say, “Will you pay yaar, I don’t have any Indian money!” Ok. You’re good to go now. Bon voyage. See you at Meerut Royal Guest House. shivjeetk@gmail.com