What's in virginity to "lose" after all?

"Wanted a fair, healthy, educated, disciplined, and accomplished VIRGIN girl...." At a time when we talk about scientific advancements and postmodernism, the Sunday columns of several newspapers are still full of such matrimonial advertisements demanding “virgin” girls for marriage. So much so, that it seems as if the Indian society is obsessed with getting their sons married to “pure” and “chaste” girls.

The clutter around virginity is what makes it a topic that is often discussed behind closed doors. In case of women, “losing it" is something that is considered taboo. In addition, if a woman loses it before marriage, she is labeled with slur ranging from whore to characterless. However, what is it about virginity that losing it is such a big deal? Moreover, what is there in virginity to “lose” after all?

As per the Oxford English Dictionary, a virgin is "a person who has never had sex." And virginity could be defined as the state of being a virgin.

But it is not quite as simple as it seems. Sex means different things to different people, so virginity can mean different things too. A lot of people think that having penis-in-vagina sex for the first time is how you lose your virginity. But this leaves lots of people and other types of sex out of the picture. For example, people who have had oral or anal sex may or may not see themselves as virgins. Also, LGBTQ people who may never have penis-in-vagina sex might not see themselves as lifelong virgins. Furthermore, many people believe rape and sexual assault aren’t sex since sex happens only with the consent of both partners. So if someone was forced or pressured the first time for any kind of sex, they may not see that as “losing” their virginity.

Despite virginity being a highly ambiguous term, it does matter in India. In several communities, a newlywed bride is expected to bleed after the first intercourse post her marriage. A woman who bleeds on her wedding night proves that her hymen is intact and emerges as a symbol of purity. In fact, women are beaten up if they fail the “test” and their family is expected to pay a fine to the groom’s family. In a shocking event in 2019, a family from the Kanjarbhat community of Maharashtra filed a police complaint that they were facing a social boycott from their community because they had opposed the practice where a newly married woman has to prove her virginity prior to marriage. The family continues to face discrimination from community members in spite of the practice being banned in Maharashtra in February 2019. Moreover, this is not only restricted to rural areas but is quite prevalent in cities as well.

This has led to the popularising of hymenoplasty, or hymen reconstruction surgery. Several women are now undergoing hymenoplasty in private clinics as well as in government hospitals. In recent years, India has witnessed the rise of hymenoplasty by 20 to 30 percent.

All this hype around virginity exists because it is a social construction. When we have sex for the first time, we do not actually lose anything. While it is perfectly healthy to want to wait until you are in a committed relationship or married before you have sex, shaming others for not choosing the same path is hurtful. This is exactly what our cultural view of virginity does. It praises those who remain “pure,” and shames those who choose to have sex before marriage.

The idea of purity is used as a means to control and manipulate us into following social norms, especially gender norms. It reinforces the idea that women lack sexuality. Virginity is treated as a commodity that can be “lost”. So according to this concept, when a woman has sex, she loses her value. Moreover, the construction of this ideal does not just hurt women, it’s destructive to men’s sexualities as well. Men are widely shamed for remaining virgins, as its loss is a sign of their masculinity and manhood.