Things I wish I knew before marrying a "Maa ka Ladlaa"

I married a man who floored me with his charm and his knowledge about things. I fought for him with my parents because they probably could foresee that I was very independent and he was a “momma’s boy”, the Roshesh (Sarabhai) of my life. Married to him for almost 2 years now, I can proudly say I did it! After crying everyday for the first few months to fighting and hurling abuses at each other because of mismatched expectations, I finally have the confidence to jot down 5 things that I wish I knew before I married a “maa ka ladlaa” and how I dealt with it. The lessons I learnt and how they will probably help you as well.

When I married the man I fought for with my parents, I knew he was the younger son, showered with a lot of love and a little pampered. What I later learnt was that he did not even realise how many privileges he was given and how pampered he was! It took me months to make him realise that this is not how normally kids are brought up in most households. The fact that he got the best of exotic fruits just like that, fed whatever he wished for, given bed tea by his 60-year-old mom every single day, and that this was not a regular scenario in everyone's home… was something that took him a while to comprehend. My point being, you need to make him realise this because pampered sons live in another bubble that has been created by their very own mothers. If you wish to survive the marriage, begin with this.

Just like we do not like being told what our negative points are, our weaknesses are, the same way, pampered men hate it when you try to poke their bubble. They will become defensive, may even cry like babies and test your patience. They will do everything to make you back down. The solution? Do not get aggressive. Don’t use words that are accusatory. They have lived a minimum of two long decades like this and your new entry cannot change him 360 degrees within a day. Some take weeks, months, your husband may even take a year or more. My “mumma’s mowgli” started showing changes after almost 5 months of our wedding.

Since the umbilical cord has not been cut yet, chances are that the “ladla” you love so much has an “amazing confidant”. Who? His mother and this will make you pull your hair for sure! It took me good 2 months to guage my mother-in-law and the bond these two share and that is when I used this stupid habit of his as a weapon. Before you judge me, let’s be clear, no I am not panning that beautiful bond. He should have someone to whom he can talk without hesitation, besides me. What I did have issues with is that there are some discussions including financial ones that should remain between a couple only. And when I got to know that my in-laws know my every move, my head spun like the Scarlet Witch! Earlier we fought a lot and he just could not see what was wrong in that. So I just simply stopped talking to him for a good long week. Then I started telling him things that I want my mother-in-law to know…That did it… The confessions of the “beta” stopped!

I do not wish to call him one but the truth is that such pampered men do end up becoming a manchild. Their moms become too protective. They will spoil him and this is where you step in but as a bad cop. She will pamper and you will make him pick up his plates, make him clean up after him, make him help in household chores, everything his mom never made him do. The catch here is that this can make you look like the “hunterwaali”. So what is the right way? Be his stable mom/partner but not his “aaya”. Treat him like you would like to be treated with a little sternness. You want him to help out? Add please to the end of your sentence and work with him on the same task so that he does not feel like you are getting things done by him. It is a lot to ask but if you want your marriage to work, you have to become a goddess with several facets, literally!

He knows and always knew that his mother will always be there for him but when it comes to his love life, he probably somewhere deep down, compared all the girls with his mom and since he ended up with all the wrong ones before he married you, he became insecure. These are human things and we all have something like this in us. This is where your love steps in. Let him know that you are with him through all of these changes. You are patiently waiting for him to grow up and that you will always hold his hand. This makes men feel good and if they love you, they will do better by the day.

Note: The above given scenarios and solutions are my experience. Yes this is debatable as we women are not rehabs for pampered or badly brought up kids but as a wife to a man who cares for me and does small things that make me realise that he loves me way too much than what I give him credit for, I tried everything in my power to bring him out of that oyster shell. Do remember that he too is making adjustments with you, the woman who wants things to perhaps be micromanaged. It is a two way traffic. Inhale…. Exhale.

Do you have something to add to these ways that can help others deal with a "momma's boy" without losing peace? Share what you think in the comments section.

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