Fat Accompli: Carb-arians At The Gate 😜

Oil cartel meeting descends into recrimination over who is Lard of the Rings

All cooking medium fat-cats from pantries across the world gathered around Kitchen Island to discuss matters of great girth and substance. Mother Ghee, also known as Ghee Mataji, called the meeting to order.

“So what’s the matter, Coco? Butter late than never, but what did you call this emergency session for?” she asked Coconut, whose fat hung in balance after being dissed by a Harvard professor.

“Well, it’s like this, Ghee Mataji,” said Coconut, his voice cracking. “A Harvard researcher has called my voil ‘pure poison,’ and said at 82 per cent saturated fat, it’s worst thing one could eat. Zimbly unacceptabull! Would karimeen taste the same without my voil? And what about Palm, whose voil weighs in at more than 60 percent saturated-fat?”

Palm looked up sharply and snapped, “Hey, keep me out of this. It’s oil, not voil. And I get facepalm often enough for mine. The one who is really getting away with murder is Groundnut, who ladles out greasy and unhealthy oil in India but is praised for producing peanut butter in America.”

“Then how is Beanut Putter and Groundnut Voil not studied by Harvard? Why Amerigun fat gets away lightly?” asked Coconut, swaying agitatedly. “Good question. We should fight this together. Where there is a swill there is a sway,” replied Palm, who also dispensed liquor besides giving oil.

Peanut, who had a brittle temperament but was chuffed about his association with a comic strip, snapped, “Actually I get a great deal more respect in America than in Asia, where you call me Groundnut. Besides, I don’t have to pretend I’m some Mediterranean dude or Mexican stud who’s an uber-healthy super-food. I can be myself in America and dish out allergies to half the population. They don’t mind. Keeps the drug companies happy.”

Hearing this, Olive, whose oil was frequently pitted against Avocado’s in the ‘good fat’ sweepstakes, chirped, “Don’t hold it against me if people regard my oil as the healthiest. It’s not my fault no one has heard of oils from Flaxseed and Grapeseed.”

Added Canola mischievously, “Olive is Extra Virgin; I come from Rapeseed.”

“Ki bolche! Ami halthy too! Hilsa feesh no good without my hoil,” spluttered Mustard, who had got a bad rap because of association with an unrelated lethal gas. Not to be left behind, Sesame trilled, “I’m the one, til kingdom come,” insisting her oil was best for stir-frying.

Sesame was in a relationship with Mustard – til the maamla, the romance was called.

All this time, Butter, the original fatso, was listening quietly. “Who cares about all your health claims?…I’m the indispensable one…Hare Krishna! Even the Gods loved me!” he muttered amid the clutter, casting a dirty look at Margarine, a wannabe who actually came from vegetable fat (whereas he, Butter, came from animal fat). “I’m the best,” Butter clarified, with a sideways look at Mother Ghee, who kept claiming on her grandmother’s name that she was the healthiest fat of all.

“Grandma always said I was a Ghee-Whiz,” she boasted.

“Good Lard! What a health obsessed bunch!” exclaimed Pig Fat, after saying “Tallow everyone!” by way of greeting.

Meanwhile, Corn, Sunflower, and sundry vegetables and nuts joined in the bedlam, claiming they too produced the healthiest oils. “I’d never allow anyone to use my oil to be a cooking medium,” fluted Almond, fluttering her eyelashes. “To be used only for body massages.” Walnut agreed that they preferred their oils to be used more in cosmetics than in the kitchen; cooking was for the plebs.

Peering out the pantry as they spied on the raucous meeting, cousins Sugar and Starch grinned at each other and exchanged high-fives. Things were panning out exactly as they wished – with oils and fats jumping from the frying pan into the fire. As long as they continued their infighting over who among them was healthy or unhealthy, they, Sugar and Starch, could continue to ravage the human body unhindered.

“Cheers!” they said, raising a toast of Statin and Gliptin.